


this sure is one bitch of an unsatisfactory situation

by HostileMuppet



Category: South Park
Genre: Group chat, Mentions Of Corona, annies an angel, brief discussion of canonical child abuse, characters are like 14/15 here, chatfic, wendys nb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:35:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23927002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HostileMuppet/pseuds/HostileMuppet
Summary: A chatfic that is hopefully at least slightly less ooc than most of the other chatfics in this fandom
Relationships: Leopold "Butters" Stotch/Craig Tucker
Comments: 22
Kudos: 65





	1. thank you jimmy

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**Kyle**

So...

**Stan**

so...

**Kyle**

Corona, huh?

**Jimmy**

[ ](https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/023/891/Screen_Shot_2017-09-13_at_1.52.42_PM)

**Kyle**

Thank you, Jimmy.

**Kenny**

yeah this sure is one bitch of an unsatisfactory situation

**Craig**

amen

**Tweek**

i havent left my house in two FUCKING months

**Tweek**

the crackheads are driving me out of my goddamn gourd

**Eric**

pot meet kettle

**Token**

Why the hell are you even in here

Kyle Broflovski (Kyle) has kicked Eric Cartman (Eric) from the group chat.

**Token**

Ty

**Kyle**

My pleasure.

**Craig**

kyle why the fuck do you talk like that

**Kyle**

Like what?

**Craig**

you type like youre being graded it freaks me out

**Kyle**

You talk like you're getting lobotomised.

**Jimmy**

[ ](https://i.imgflip.com/3olzmy)

**Clyde**

thank you jimmy

**Token**

Thank you jimmy

**Tweek**

thank you jimmy

**Stan**

thank you jimmy

**Kyle**

Stan what the hell.

**Stan**

😨

N E WAY

whats been up w you clyde

**Clyde**

me??

**Clyde**

uh video chatting bebe mostly

**Craig**

ew

**Clyde**

we GET it craig you hate straight people

**heterophobe**

ya

**Jimmy**

craig:

[ ](https://i.redd.it/1lpq3035g8721)

**heterophobe**

thank you jimmy

**Kyle**

Jimmy are you actually gonna contribute to our conversation or are you just gonna send normie tier memes when applicable?

**Jimmy**

are you gonna contribute to my massive cock or are you just gonna pretend like i think your opinion matters

**Token**

King shit

**Kyle**

Whatever.

**Kyle**

I'm going to bed.

**Stan**

dude its like 7:30

**Kyle**

and???

**heterophobe**

red alert gentlemen red a-fucking-lert we have LOST the capital he is NOT using proper grammar

**Tweek**

GET THE PRESS ON THE PHONE

**Kyle**

I can't I'm using it to watch you chucklefucks clown around.

**Kenny**

kyle said 🤡

**Kyle**

Good night.

**Stan**

night kyle

**Token**

Simp

**heterophobe**

simp

**Tweek**

simp

**Stan**

hate yall

**Kenny**

this is great im so glad c*rtmans not here for this


	2. crutters variety hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the man the myth the legend

**heterophobe**

guys

**Stan**

ya

**heterophobe**

where the fuck is butters

**Kyle**

We didn’t invite him.

**heterophobe**

WHY NOT

**Stan**

bc hes an asshole??

**heterophobe**

but hes my fucking boyfriend 🔫

**heterophobe**

imagine thats an actual gun

**Kyle**

Fiiiiiiiiiiiine I’ll add Butters you big baby.

**heterophobe**

thanks king

Kyle Broflovski (Kyle) has added Leo Stotch (Leo) to the group chat.

**heterophobe**

BUTTERS

**Leo**

craig!

**Clyde**

clyde

**Jimmy**

butters can you change your name seeing you go by leo is making me wanna kill myself 

**butters**

sure jim!

**Jimmy**

thank god

**heterophobe**

you shut your fucking mouth jimmy butters can go by whatever he wants to

**butters**

but I like butters!

**heterophobe**

then go by butters honey you can do whatever you want 

**butters**

owo

**butters**

hey craig why are you heterophobe

**heterophobe**

apt descriptor

**butters**

fair enough I guess!

**Token**

Lets shut this shit down before it turns into crutters variety hour 

**heterophobe**

crutters???

**Token**

Yeah ykno craig/butters 

**Token**

Like what the asian girls did when you and tweek were together 

**Tweek**

barf

**Clyde**

i remember creek that ruled 

**Tweek**

BARF

**heterophobe**

that’s the dumbest thing ive ever heard do NOT call us that it sounds like a fucking disease 

**butters**

idk I think its kinda cute

**heterophobe**

if you ever call us anything but crutters I am going to slice your achilles tendons while you sleep 

**Kenny**

violent! Im into it

**butters**

Kenneth if you hit on my fucking man again ill fucking kill you

**Kenny**

jfc

**Kenny**

I was not hitting on him

**Kenny**

I could do better

**heterophobe**

1v1 me kenny ill kick ur ass

**Kenny**

im more afraid of butters than I am you no cap 

**heterophobe**

fair

**butters**

I have problems processing my emotions without causing harm to myself or others :D

**Stan**

felt that

**Kyle**

Who here DOESN’T have severe issues thanks to their parents.

**Kyle**

If you hate at least one parent say “Eye.”

**Kyle**

Eye.

**Stan**

eye

**Tweek**

eye

**Kenny**

eye

**butters**

eye :(

**Jimmy**

eye

**heterophobe**

idk my parents are okay

**Token**

Same

**Clyde**

my dads cool

**Kenny**

but your mom?

**Clyde**

bitch

**Kenny**

there ya go

**Stan**

lmao look at these losers liking their parents 

**Jimmy**

based

**Stan**

imagine not being woken up by your drunk naked dad screaming about how he wishes jaden smith was his son bc you wouldn’t let him watch snuff porn 

**Kyle**

Imagine not having your father bully your classmates to the point of considering suicide.

**Jimmy**

imagine not being told youre gods punishment for them being dicks in high school 

**butters**

imagine not being routinely beat and screamed at for the littlest things like getting mixed up while alphabetising the pantry to the point you wake up most nights screaming and crying until your dad bangs on the wall saying if you don’t shut up hes gonna come in there

**Kenny**

k butters wins

**Stan**

yeah definitely

**butters**

what do I win :0

**Kenny**

therapy

**butters**

oh fooey

**heterophobe**

im so glad theyre in jail now

**butters**

I wish they were in a more permanent prison about 6 feet lower down :)

**heterophobe**

god I love you so much

**Token**

This chat is a fucking nightmare


	3. Clarks’ YoToys™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boys chat: 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫  
> girls chat: 💖😊👼🔪🔪🥰

**GIRLS CHAT (+wends, trans rights)**

**xoxo gossip girl**

girls

**xoxo gossip girl**

and wends

**xoxo gossip girl**

you know those shoes we used to have when we were kids 

**xoxo gossip girl**

like the mary janes w the lil toys in the heels that you could stash for toy emergencies 

**scarjo but less racist**

yeah

**xoxo gossip girl**

someone stop me from buying a pair

**yandere**

Obviously were not gonna let you buy a pair of Clarks’ YoToys™ 

**xoxo gossip girl**

thanks

**yandere**

Buy two, save on shipping, I’ll pay you back 

**xoxo gossip girl**

WENDS

**scarjo but less racist**

actually me too those were sick 

**furry**

oooooh we getting yotoys??

**furry**

bebe (:

**xoxo gossip girl**

IM NOT BUYING US ALL YOTOYS 

**scarjo but less racist**

why tf not

**xoxo gossip girl**

my debit cards only got enough for two pairs max 

**yandere**

Bebe you know you love me more than any of these people 

**scarjo but less racist**

bebe ill make out with you if you buy me a pair 

**xoxo gossip girl**

RED YOU’VE GOT A BOYFRIEND 

**yandere**

BEBE ILL USE TONGUE 

**xoxo gossip girl**

SO DO YOU 

**yandere**

I JUST CHECKED HE SAID HES OKAY WITH IT AS LONG AS I LET HIM BORROW THEM 

**scarjo but less racist**

jesus christ stans feet are tiny 

**xoxo gossip girl**

you know what.

**xoxo gossip girl**

@annie

**👼**

:)?

**xoxo gossip girl**

howd you like a pair of yotoys 

**scarjo but less racist**

BITCH

**yandere**

BITCH

**👼**

idk what those are 😅

**xoxo gossip girl**

theyre the shoes with the toys in the heels 

**xoxo gossip girl**

you can get a car or a doll

**👼**

oh those!

**👼**

I had a pair when I was a lil tyke 

**👼**

would you really get those for me omo 

**xoxo gossip girl**

hell yeah I would

**xoxo gossip girl**

its your bday soon and youre cooped up inside that sucks lemme get you smth nice 

**👼**

oh its not so bad im sure others have worse!

**👼**

and its not like ive been inside for months like you guys!

**👼**

just last week me and my dad went out to donate blankets and food to the local homeless shelter, they probably have it the worst of all right now :(

**yandere**

annie you absolute angel

**furry**

annie id die for you 

**scarjo but less racist**

annie id kill for you

**xoxo gossip girl**

annie id frame someone for you 

**👼**

please don’t :(

**savage classy bougie rachet**

whats up queens I just woke up 

**savage classy bougie rachet**

**savage classy bougie rachet**

is it appreciating annie hours 

**savage classy bougie rachet**

annie idk what id do for you but its certainly something 

**yandere**

nichole it is 4:47pm 

**savage classy bougie rachet**

I don’t see your point

**👼**

are you okay nichole? I know oversleeping is a symptom of severe depression and considering the state of the world right now I really hope youre doing alright :(

**👼**

if you ever need to talk to someone im here!

**savage classy bougie rachet**

GOD ANNIE YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY 

**👼**

oh no im so sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you 

**savage classy bougie rachet**

NO ITS GOOD CRY ITS HAPPY CRY DON’T WORRY YOUR PERFECT LITTLE HEAD ABOUT IT 

**furry**

wholesome

**xoxo gossip girl**

I bought the shoes btw ill let you know when theyre here 

**scarjo but less racist**

god bebe not everythings about shoes don’t be such a girl 

**xoxo gossip girl**

wendy do I have permission to stab her 

**yandere**

not yet

**scarjo but less racist**

YET??


	4. read the room kyle

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**Stan**

you guys know the only thing bringing me joy in these dark times

**Tweek**

what

**Stan**

its the anniversary of r*ndys death tomorrow

**Kenny**

OH HELL YEAH

**Stan**

wish we could go out and celebrate but unforch we are in yet another pandemic

**Stan**

CRAIG.

**heterophobe**

what the fuck do you want me to do

**Stan**

laser the virus obviously

**heterophobe**

yeah lemme just pew pew a whole ass virus so stan can celebrate his shitty dad getting in a car crash

**Stan**

thanks king xx

**Clyde**

o i c

**Clyde**

when stan asks you to eradicate a global epidemic its fine

**Clyde**

but when I ask you to zap my pizza so I don’t have to put it in the oven suddenly im “grossly misusing your powers that you don’t understand and would rather not mess with”

**heterophobe**

ya

**Clyde**

I thought you loved me

**heterophobe**

nah

**Clyde**

:(

**heterophobe**

:)

**Clyde**

I want a divorce

**heterophobe**

okay ive been fucking other men anyway

**Jimmy**

this is so fun it feels like a telenovela but not in spanish

**Kyle**

So a soap opera.

**Jimmy**

kyle show me where I asked

**Jimmy**

read the room kyle

**Jimmy**

god broflovski I hate you so fucking much

**Jimmy**

I hope you die

**Jimmy**

tomorrow preferably

**Kyle**

Jesus Christ?

**Token**

You called

**Kyle**

Okay ignoring that.

**Kyle**

Can you get your friend please.

**Token**

No

**Kyle**

Cool, thanks.

**Token**

Yw

**kyle h8r**

token doesn’t control me dipshit

**Kyle**

Oh now that’s just excessive.

**heterophobe**

I disagree I think its hilarious

**Kyle**

I thought you were busy divorcing Clyde.

**heterophobe**

we talked it out I can stay with butters if he can stay with bebe

**Clyde**

its an open relationship

**heterophobe**

ya

**Kyle**

Gross.

**heterophobe**

don’t judge us, ass clown

**Clyde**

youre just upset your gfs home schooled

**Kyle**

I am literally not.

**Kyle**

Anyway I got her dad’s blessing so me and Rebecca can go out every week.

**Stan**

quarantine

**Kyle**

Me and Rebecca can go out every week once quarantines lifted.

**heterophobe**

lmao

**Clyde**

wooks wike someone misses their giwlfwend omo

**Kyle**

Stop.

**Clyde**

make me ho

**Kyle**

@stan help me.

**Kyle**

@stan

**Kyle**

@stan

**Kyle**

STAN.

**heterophobe**

LMAO

**Stan**

sorry i was getting water whats happening

**Kyle**

They’re ganging up on me again.

**Stan**

have you considered

**Stan**

not being a heterosexual?

**Kyle**

STAN.

**heterophobe**

OKAY I DECIDED I LIKE STAN NOW HE RULES

**Stan**

A LITTLE BIT OFFENDED BUT ITS FINE

**kyle h8r**

oh fuck yeah weve got stans blessing

**kyle h8r**

*inhales*

**Kyle**

Oh, G-d.

**kyle h8r**

BOY

**Kyle Broflovski (Kyle) has kicked Jimmy Valmer (kyle h8r) from the group chat.**

**Clyde**

dude.

**heterophobe**

dude

**Kyle**

What?

**Token**

Bitch

**Tweek**

dick

**Kyle**

WHAT.

**DM between Jimmy Valmer and Kyle Broflovski.**

**Jimmy Valmer**

kyle if you don’t add me back im gonna break quarantine to egg your bike

**You cannot send messages to Kyle Broflovski.**

**Jimmy Valmer**

oh you absolute chode

**You cannot send messages to Kyle Broflovski.**


	5. Gags, if you will

**DM between Jimmy Valmer and Rebecca Gibson.**

**Jimmy Valmer**

red my main bitch I got a favour to ask

**Rebecca Gibson**

shoot

let me in ur gc

**Rebecca Gibson**

no its girls only fuck off

**Jimmy Valmer**

what about wendyl????

**Rebecca Gibson**

theyre a girl like 1/3 the time so they count

**Jimmy Valmer**

based

**Rebecca Gibson**

ya

**DM between Jimmy Valmer and Scott Malkinson.**

**Jimmy Valmer**

scotty boy I have a business proposition for you please do not let me down

**Scott Malkinson**

I’m all ears jimbo

**Jimmy Valmer**

let me into your gc

**Scott Malkinson**

I see.

**Scott Malkinson**

question:

**Scott Malkinson**

why

**Jimmy Valmer**

kyle kicked me out

**Scott Malkinson**

again, why

**Jimmy Valmer**

I said I hoped he dies tomorrow

**Scott Malkinson**

…

**Jimmy Valmer**

it was all for Jokes

**Jimmy Valmer**

for Laughs

**Jimmy Valmer**

for Gags, if you will

**Scott Malkinson**

ill talk to brimmy

**Jimmy Valmer**

THANK YOU SCOTTY BOY

**Scott Malkinson**

he said sure hang tight ill send a rq

**Jimmy Valmer**

SCOTT ID DIE FOR YOU

**the backgroundigans**

**hat in time**

hey jimmy

**Jimmy**

hello kings

**br*dley survivor**

um.

**misandrist**

bitch

**Jimmy**

and queens

**dah veed**

long time no see jim jam

**Jimmy**

DAVID ITS BEEN SO LONG

**Jimmy**

whyd you stop hanging out with us

**dah veed**

I got shot

**Jimmy**

hm. thatll do it.

**sugar honey honey**

he still has the scar its pretty cool

**Jimmy**

do the chicks dig it

**dah veed**

jimmy im fucking gay

**Jimmy**

oh thank god I wasn’t about to get chummy w a hetero

**br*dley survivor**

power move.

**misandrist**

felt that but specifically straight men

**misandrist**

straight girls are alright

**Jimmy**

personally I don’t think straights count as people

**something something star trek**

should I be offended

**br*dley survivor**

yes.

**misandrist**

yes

**Jimmy**

would I be overstepping my bounds as a new face if I said yes

**something something star trek**

yeah

**Jimmy**

still yes

**sugar honey honey**

jimmy do not fucking embarrass me

**Jimmy**

I have never embarrassed anyone I am the pinnacle of popularity

**something something star trek**

remember when you asked to fuck my girlfriend in the school hallways

**misandrist**

HUH? COME AGAIN? ONE MORE TIME?

**Jimmy**

ok but I was like, 10 at the time and I don’t even like girls now so whats your point

**atomic betty**

hey yall im so bored im startin a roblox roleplay lets play channel who wants to collab w me

**atomic betty**

oh I see weve got a new person. how yall doin this fine whatever day it is today

**something something star trek**

doug you’ve got a problem I think

**atomic betty**

yah

**hat in time**

who doesn’t lmaoooooooooooooooooooo

**br*dley survivor**

idk im doing pretty good.

**pigpen**

Can’t relate.

**br*dley survivor**

too bad.

**pigpen**

Douglas, I’ll play with you.

**atomic betty**

thx but I wanna play w someone who doesn’t suck

**pigpen**

Then become the dirt I walk on.

**atomic betty**

pay me

**pigpen**

I am poor.

**atomic betty**

**Jimmy**

I like it here :)

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**heterophobe**

kyle can you add jimmy back im bored

**Kyle**

No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had to come up w a last name for red bc my #1 girl still doesnt have one (: her full name is rebecca bertha gibson, both first names she was called in canon, while reds a nickname bc ykno, her hair


	6. Switching it up a little.

**intern**

KINGS

**intern**

guess who got mcfucking gutted again ✊✊✊

**PRINCE OF HELL**

HOW’D YOU DIE THIS TIME?

**intern**

poptarts stuck in windpipe 

**PRINCE OF HELL**

0 POINTS FOR CREATIVITY.

**intern**

yeah sorry my brutal death at the hands of the only food we can afford on my dads unemployment benefits wasn’t entertaining enough ill try harder next time 

**PRINCE OF HELL**

THANKS.

**lich rally**

Kenny! It’s been so long since we’ve had a good ol’ chinwag.

**intern**

been like 2 weeks 

**lich rally**

You used to perish several times a week, I’ve been oh so lonely without you.

**roadblock**

read @ 7:39 am 

**lich rally**

Not that I don’t treasure my fellow residents of the underworld of course, but me and Kenny go way back, since I moved to the states!

**lich rally**

One of the first lads to speak to me, before the fat one spit in my hair and everyone decided to avoid me like the plague. 😊 Such fun!

**adblock**

Poor choice of words, Pip.

**roadblock**

yeah pip theyre in an epidemic dont be an ass 

**lich rally**

Oh, my apologies, Kenny, it wasn’t my intention to prod at a sore subject.

**intern**

nah its fine idc 

**intern**

im just surprised I haven’t gotten it yet that seems like the sort of thing thatd happen to me 

**PRINCE OF HELL**

WANT ME TO PULL SOME STRINGS WITH THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS?

**PRINCE OF HELL**

I’M BASICALLY SATAN SINCE YOU GOT MY FATHER KILLED SO GOD CARES ABOUT MY OPINIONS.

**intern**

I can not physically stress how much I do not want you to do that 

**PRINCE OF HELL**

SHAME. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENTERTAINING.

**intern**

concerning! moving on.

**intern**

whats been going on in the 2 weeks ive been stuck at home with very few things able to kill me 

**roadblock**

leslie can light up her eyes like a rave now 

**adblock**

Yeah, it’s pretty cool.

**adblock**

I’m doing it right now.

**adblock**

I know you can’t see me so just picture my eyes going from red to green in rapid succession.

**adblock**

Adding some pink in there, now.

**adblock**

Switching it up a little.

**roadblock**

goin absolutely buck wild at casa de Meyers 

**intern**

that’s it huh 

**intern**

okay well im glad that even tho earths an absolute shitshow hells still the same boring cesspit as always

**PRINCE OF HELL**

YOU’RE WELCOME, I WORKED VERY HARD ON IT.

**intern**

and I appreciate it, man 

**PRINCE OF HELL**

:)

**PRINCE OF HELL**

KENNY. HOW DO I DO THE FANCY IMAGE PICTURES.

**roadblock**

do NOT tell him hes been asking us for months 

**roadblock**

him not knowing how to use them is our only source of joy 

**adblock**

If he learns emojis this really will be Hell.

**roadblock**

don’t fuck us on this Kenny 

**adblock**

Do not fuck us.

**intern**

jfc I wasn’t gonna teach him ive got better things to do 

**lich rally**

Such as?

**intern**

staring at the corner until I get shot out my moms vagina again 

**roadblock**

jesus 

**intern**

Ya.

**adblock**

What’s the worst part of being immortal?

**roadblock**

is it the dying 

**adblock**

Jason that is the dumbest thing you have ever said in your entire afterlife.

**intern**

i mean tbf it is up there 

**intern**

but really I just wish my buds would remember yknow??

**intern**

they always just think I flaked on them when really I got impaled in the fucking dome piece

**roadblock**

sounds rough 

**intern**

I guess I got it better than you dudes tho 

**adblock**

Do my friends ever talk about me?

**intern**

I don’t really talk to the girls much so idk 

**roadblock**

does tweek mention me ever 

**intern**

not really 

**roadblock**

that BITCH I thought we HAD SOMETHING 

**lich rally**

Not to butt in, but I was wondering about Leopold?

**lich rally**

How has he been holding up since my unfortunate and premature demise?

**intern**

better than ever 

**lich rally**

Cunt.

**intern**

hey!!

**intern**

wait me or him 

**lich rally**

Him.

**intern**

ok yea that’s fine 

**PRINCE OF HELL**

I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT.

**PRINCE OF HELL**

BEHOLD.

**PRINCE OF HELL**

😂

**roadblock**

I wish I could die again 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like the new drawn icons, all the other chapters have em too if you wanna go back


	7. I am a complex multifaceted individual.

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**heterophobe**

@Stan @Token

**heterophobe**

transgenders give me your wisdom

**Stan**

what

**heterophobe**

I wanna make a gender joke on twitter but idk if its in poor taste coming from a cis dude

**heterophobe**

and you guys are like

**heterophobe**

nonbinary and shit

**Token**

Lay it on us

**heterophobe**

getting my gender marker changed to femboy

**Stan**

nah that’s fine

**heterophobe**

thanks :)

Kyle Broflovski (Kyle) has added Jimmy Valmer (Jimmy) to the group chat.

**Token**

OH SHIT

**Kyle**

Okay, Jimmy.

**Kyle**

Welcome back.

**Jimmy**

oh hell yeah

**Kyle**

I may have overreacted in kicking you out.

**Jimmy**

ya think

**Kyle**

Shut it.

**Kyle**

I’ve just got a couple things to say to you.

**Jimmy**

oh???

**Kyle**

You don’t get to insult me with a face like Squidward’s house.

**Kyle**

Every time your parents wish they used protection you get another pimple.

**Kyle**

Meeting you was the worst experience of my life and once I was sewed to an Asian man’s asshole.

**Stan**

its true it was on tv

**Kyle**

You look like you smile in cursive.

**Kyle**

Someone call Andy Muschietti in case they need a Pennywise body double for the next movie, you’ve certainly got enough experience being a fucking clown.

**Kyle**

Only the left side of your face has Benjamin Button’s disease.

**Kyle**

You could write the name of every guy and girl who dumped you for someone better looking on your five-head.

**Kyle**

Okay I’m done.

**Kyle**

Wait.

**Kyle**

You look like someone shaved Sandy Cheeks but only partially.

**Kyle**

Now I’m done.

**heterophobe**

KYLE I LOVE YOU

**heterophobe**

BUTTERS IM BREAKING UP WITH YOU

**butters**

k

**heterophobe**

wait no im kidding im sorry

**Jimmy**

kyle my god

**Kyle**

I think we’re even, now.

**Kyle**

I might have gone a little far in some places, but you did tell me to die, so.

**Jimmy**

no that was great im so happy

**Jimmy**

im printing them out and putting them on my inspo board

**Jimmy**

right next to the time the guy egged that fascist on live tv

**Kyle**

I’m glad you enjoyed it, I guess.

**Jimmy**

I haven’t felt this alive since the quarantine started

**Kyle**

Well, happy to help.

**Jimmy**

didn’t know you had it in you

**Kyle**

I had to put up with C*rtman for years, you think I don’t know how to defend myself?

**Jimmy**

yeah but I thought you were mostly a fists guy

**Kyle**

I can do both, I am a complex multifaceted individual.

**Jimmy**

good to know!

**the backgroundigans**

**Jimmy**

fellas ik we just met but ive got a problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy femboy friday


	8. can I borrow $25

****

**the backgroundigans**

**sugar honey honey**

whats the problem “king”

**Jimmy**

ignoring the quotations 

**Jimmy**

I think 

**Jimmy**

I have a crush 

**Jimmy**

on a straight dude

**dah veed**

OOF ive been there 

**Jimmy**

how did you deal with it 

**dah veed**

I shoved it deep down inside myself and eventually I distanced myself from his friend group for my own safety and he never wanted to hang out without his other friends so we drifted apart 

**Jimmy**

…kyle? 

**dah veed**

yah 

**Jimmy**

twins 

**dah veed**

shit dude 

**atomic betty**

is kyle really straight 

**Jimmy**

hes either het or so deep in the closet hes got a summer home in narnia 

**hat in time**

haha doug owes me $20

**atomic betty**

hey scott can I borrow $25

**sugar honey honey**

whats the extra 5 for 

**atomic betty**

I found a sims pack for cheap on ebay 

**sugar honey honey**

no

**atomic betty**

fuck you 

**atomic betty**

@nelly 

**misandrist**

you still owe me $37 from new years 

**atomic betty**

I rescind my @

**Jimmy**

what happened new years 

**misandrist**

he got high off cough syrup and ordered $37 worth of pizzas and then passed out before the guy came 

**misandrist**

conveniently everyone else forgot their wallets bc theyre BAD. FRIENDS.

**br*dley survivor**

I said id help pay!

**misandrist**

yeah but then id never get to complain 

**br*dley survivor**

fair

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**Tweek**

you know what sucks 

**Stan**

everything 

**Tweek**

can I please talk to someone who doesn’t listen to my chemical romance 

**Stan**

fuck off ive got better taste than that 

**Clyde**

what sucks tweek 

**Tweek**

the coffee shop opened back up 

**Tweek**

but schools haven’t 

**Tweek**

so theyre making me work all. day.

**Stan**

jesus christ aren’t there child labour laws 

**Token**

It’s South Park 

**Stan**

right 

**Tweek**

and do mom n dad have to work??

**Tweek**

NOOOO theyre ““NETWORKING””

**Tweek**

which totally doesn’t mean getting drunk and or high with random people at the starbucks 3 towns over 

**Clyde**

😢

**Clyde**

do you want me to come over and keep you company 

**Tweek**

depends 

**Tweek**

are you gonna order anything 

**Clyde**

maybe 

**Tweek**

then no fuck off 

**Clyde**

TWEEK WHY MUST YOU REJECT MY LOVE 

**the backgroundigans**

**Jimmy**

I have decided to go back in the closet so I can get a gf and be stuck in a loveless relationship with some girl who deserves better 

**Jimmy**

@nelly wanna be each others beards 

**misandrist**

I cant think of a single thing I would like less 

**Jimmy**

cut deep 

**Jimmy**

gotta start putting out beard applications huh 

**something something star trek**

Please do not do that.

**Jimmy**

shut UP hetero don’t you have some gays to oppress 

**something something star trek**

My girlfriend is bi.

**Jimmy**

that is literally the funniest thing I have ever fucking heard I think I need to lie down

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**Stan**

tweek im coming over I need a break from shelly 

**Tweek**

k

**Clyde**

WH 

**Clyde**

HOW COME HE GETS TO COME BUT I CANT 

**Tweek**

stan orders plain black coffee and sits at either the table by the window or in the corner and scrolls through twitter on his phone with headphones in 

**heterophobe**

called out 

**Stan**

I don’t like the noise what do you want from me 

**Tweek**

every time clyde come in he tries to order a unicorn frap and I have to explain to him that it is not a fucking starbucks 

**Tweek**

every. single. fucking. time. 

**Clyde**

okay jeez im not coming let me live 

**Jimmy**

tweek you know I think youre the baddest bitch this side the americanadian border but unforch I am what they are calling,,,

**Jimmy**

“high risk”

**Jimmy**

so im house bound even longer than you losers 

**Tweek**

fuck youre one of like 3 people I can stand 

**Stan**

whos the other 2

**Tweek**

id hurt a lot of peoples feelings if I answered that question 

**Stan**

just say im not one of them and go 

**Tweek**

no you are one of them bc youre mostly pretty quiet and don’t call me a spaz for my tics 

**Stan**

TWEEK 🥺

**Clyde**

whos the other one 

**Tweek**

scott hes chill and let me hit his juul once

**heterophobe**

DAMN BITCH NOT EVEN ME??

**Tweek**

we broke up when we were eleven Craigory get over it 

**Stan**

called out 

**Jimmy**

oh hell yeah we got another scott stan in the house 

**Stan**

what?

**Jimmy**

no stan as in the activity not the you 

**Stan**

oh 

**Jimmy**

oh oh wait I just had the BIGGEST brain moment 

**Jimmy**

@kyle 

**Kyle**

What?

**Jimmy**

can we add scott to the chat 

**Kyle**

Malkinson?

**Jimmy**

are there any other scotts in this school 

**Kyle**

I don’t fucking know, do I look like Mr Popular to you? 

**the backgroundigans**

**Jimmy**

hes yelling at me again 😩

**dah veed**

jesus, dude 

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

Kyle Broflovski (Kyle) has added Scott Malkinson (Scott) to the group chat.

**Scott**

woah!

**Scott**

heya everyone 

**Tweek**

oh fucking thank god youre here scott these weirdos are driving me crazy 

**Scott**

whos here?

**Jimmy**

cant you read the name it’s the BOOOOOOOOOOOYS 

**Tweek**

minus cartman bc fuck him 

**Jimmy**

fuck cartman 

**Kyle**

Fuck Cartman.

**heterophobe**

fuck cartman 

**Stan**

fuck cartman 

**Clyde**

fuck cartman 

**Scott**

fuck cartman 

**Jimmy**

hell fucking yeah!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> logically ik tweek is probably too much of a germophobe to hit someone elses vape but its also a very funny image


	9. alright then keep your secrets

**Clyde**

yall

**heterophobe**

we talked about the “yall” dude

**Clyde**

shut up

**Clyde**

yall

**Token**

What

**Clyde**

**Clyde**

IVE MISSED HER SO MUCH

**Jimmy**

that dont look like 6 feet to me luv xx

**Token**

Yeah asshole make room for Jesus

**Clyde**

fuck off president garrison said we can go out youre both just jealous of me bc neither of you have girlfriends slash boyfriends slash nonbinary partners

**Jimmy**

yeah

**Token**

It’s true but you shouldn’t say it

**Kenny**

lets make our own chat singles only

**Jimmy**

this is how ok cupid was invented

**Kenny**

no bc we wont be banging well just be talking about how sad we are like when our moms get together and drink

**heterophobe**

Kenny where tf have you been

**Kenny**

I went to get groceries and a car swerved and spilled my brains against the pavement so that was my day gone

**heterophobe**

thought stan was the edgy one

**Stan**

okay I wasn’t doing ANYTHING I was LICH rally just vibing

**Token**

I’m down for singles only if I can invite nichole

**Kenny**

fuck yeah the more the sadder

**heterophobe**

token please don’t leave me alone with clyde and stan

**Token**

What about Kyle

**heterophobe**

deadass sometimes I forget kyles here

**Clyde**

youre very cranky today craig have you had your snickers

**are you seriously watching porn by yourself?**

Jimmy Valmer (Jimmy) has added Token Black (Token), Kenny McCormick (Kenny), Scott Malkinson (Scott), and Tweek Tweak (Tweek) to the group chat !

**Token**

I really hate this chat name

**Jimmy**

tough tits token

Jimmy Valmer (Jimmy) has given Token Black (Token), Kenny McCormick (Kenny), Scott Malkinson (Scott), and Tweek Tweak (Tweek) admin privileges !

**Jimmy**

add whoever you want kings

Scott Malkinson (Scott) has added Nelly Camellia (Nelly) and Dogpoo Petuski (Dogpoo) to the group chat !

Dogpoo Petuski (Dogpoo) has removed themself from the group chat !

**Scott**

:(

**Jimmy**

bitch

Token Black (Token) has added Nichole Daniels (Nichole) to the group chat !

**Tweek**

I don’t have friends

Kenny McCormick (Kenny) has added Damien Thorne (Damien) to the group chat !

**Tweek**

whta the fUCK

**Damien**

GREETINGS MORTALS I HAVE RETURNED IN DIGITAL FORM SINCE I AM STILL CONFINED TO THE HOLLOWED HALLS OF HELL.

**Jimmy**

why would you invite him

**Kenny**

gags

**Jimmy**

ill allow it

**Kenny**

also hes single and I thought hed enjoy talking to someone who hasn’t been dead for a half decade

**Damien**

ITS TRUE I DO NEED TO EXPAND MY SOCIAL CIRCLE.

**Tweek**

Kenny why the fuck are you buddy buddy with the antichrist

**Kenny**

sometimes when I die I go to hell so me and him play boardgames with pip leslie and jason

**Jimmy**

**Kenny**

(:

**Damien**

KENNETH YOUR FRIENDS ARE PAINFUL.

**Kenny**

yeah.

**Jimmy**

lmao Kenneth

**Kenneth**

you got a problem james

**Kenneth**

oh did you change my fucking name

**Jimmy**

yeah

**Kenneth**

I didn’t know we could change each others names but ill allow it

**Jimmy**

:)

**Jimmy**

hey Damien what do you want your name to be

**Damien**

I AM FINE WITH MY CURRENT NAME.

**Jimmy**

but that’s boring lets have fun with it

**Jimmy**

look ill change mine too

**fastpass**

see damien its easy just bring up an embarrassing moment from your youth where you played pretend and got the shit beat out of you constantly

**Damien**

I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH YOU.

**fastpass**

was it bc your dad hated disabled people Damien

**Damien**

NOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE I DON’T THINK HE CARED.

**fastpass**

good on him im glad satan isn’t ableist

**fastpass**

do you think gods ableist damien

**Kenneth**

i think the handicapped go to hell so probably

**fastpass**

literally what the fuck

**Scott**

this convo is a train wreck

**fastpass**

oh!!

**Scott**

what

**fastpass**

hey damien

**train wreck**

WHAT.

**train wreck**

HMM. OKAY. IT’S BETTER THAN FARTBOY SO I’M FINE WITH THIS.

**fastpass**

POG

**fastpass**

anyway

**fastpass**

hey ladies @nelly @nichole why are you both being so silent you should be ecstatic youre here

**Tweek**

yeah circus tickets are usually super expensive

**fastpass**

tweek said 🤡

**Nelly**

sorry I was busy doing important things like anything other than this

**Scott**

she was making counterfeit pokemon cards so she could sell them to people at 3x the price of an actual card

**Nelly**

just for that youre not getting a cut

**Token**

Dw no one here objects to it were all on your side

**Nelly**

oh cool ill give you a cut if you help me print

**Token**

My parents don’t like random people being in our house, no offence, they don’t wanna get robbed

**Nelly**

is it because im white

**train wreck**

I’D HELP BUT I CAN’T LEAVE HELL WITHOUT A SUMMONING CIRCLE INVOLVED.

**Nelly**

who the fuck is this twink

**Scott**

remember that exchange student who liked to set things on fire

**Nelly**

oh hey

**train wreck**

HI.

**Nelly**

which of these bozos are you friends with

**train wreck**

KENNETH.

**train wreck**

OR KENNY.

**train wreck**

WHICHEVER HE PREFERS.

**train wreck**

I DON’T KNOW HIM THAT WELL HONESTLY HE KIND OF JUST HANGS.

**Nelly**

when is kenny ever not hanging does he do anything ever

**Kenneth**

I do a lot of things

**Nelly**

like what

**Kenneth**

I work three jobs even with the quarantine so my sister can have hot water and also eat something other than pop tarts

**Nelly**

why just your sister don’t you have a brother too

**Kenneth**

kevins 18 he can sort his own shit out

**Nelly**

ok kenny youre a good one youre the only boy that matters

**Kenneth**

thanks :)

**Nelly**

anyway

**Nelly**

jimmy

**fastpass**

what

**Nelly**

will you help me print my bootleg pokemon cards

**fastpass**

totally im always up for using up all my dads ink

**Nelly**

nice

**Scott**

this is unfair honestly

**Nelly**

too bad snitches get stiches

**fastpass**

the fuck kinda stitches is he getting

**DM between Nelly Camellia and Jimmy Valmer.**

**Nelly Camellia**

please remove him from the chat itll be really funny

**are you seriously watching porn by yourself?**

Jimmy Valmer (Jimmy) has removed Scott Malkinson (Scott) from the group chat !

**Tweek**

the hell


	10. its just not as good a high

****

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**Kyle**

Craig do you actually forget I’m here?

**heterophobe**

I don’t expect anything I say here to have consequences

**heterophobe**

thought this was a safe space 

**heterophobe**

@stan your sbf is making me feel very uncomfortable 

**Stan**

what do you want me to do about it

**heterophobe**

idfk put him on a leash?? 

**Jimmy**

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**heterophobe**

what fucking year is it no one has unironically used that emoticon since like 2014

**Jimmy**

keyword unironically and this was very much ironic

**Clyde**

jim that was very fast did you already have it copied or what

**Jimmy**

I set up a hotkey

**Kyle**

You are a fucking drain to be around.

**Jimmy**

insult me harder daddy

**Kyle**

What?

**Jimmy**

what

**DM between Scott Malkinson and Jimmy Valmer.**

**Scott Malkinson**

James Swanson Valmer You Are Crashing And Burning Right In Front Of My Eyes

**Jimmy Valmer**

im doing my best shut up

**Scott Malkinson**

if this is your best what the hell is your worst

**Jimmy Valmer**

also this

**Scott Malkinson**

you poor man

**no im with the BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYSSSSS**

**heterophobe**

jimmy why do you have to make everything awkward all the time

**Jimmy**

how else will I get the pity laugh

**Jimmy**

its just like when I told pc principal if he didn’t take me back as editor for the school paper it means he hates disabled people and id sue

**heterophobe**

I don’t think that’s the same thing actually

**Jimmy**

do you want me to sue you too craig

**Jimmy**

I am not above getting mr broflovski involved

**Kyle**

Leave my dad out of this.

**Kyle**

Not because it’s a waste of his time or anything I just don’t want him around my friends.

**heterophobe**

you know what. fair enough. Im done with this conversation.

**Jimmy**

im not im bored and wanna spread rumours about pc principal

**Jimmy**

butters can you tell kelly zhou that pcp told you to stop acting queer

**butters**

okay!

**heterophobe**

butters honey please don’t do that

**butters**

okay!

**heterophobe**

also jimmy do not call him that pcp is a drug

**Jimmy**

kyle wanna help me itll be fun and craigs a debby downer apparently and thinks I don’t know what a drugs are

**Kyle**

What happened to not wanting to ‘taint the truth’?

**Jimmy**

the difference here is its funny and pc principal already sucks with his fake woke bullshit so he deserves whatever happens to him as a result of a gaggle of bored teenagers wanting to fuck with their school staff during an international tragedy

**Jimmy**

back me up scotty ik youre lurking

**Scott**

sure

**Jimmy**

couldn’t even put a little bit of energy into it huh

**Jimmy**

youre all weak and will not survive the summer

**Kyle**

*Winter.

**Jimmy**

we already live in eternal winter dipshit don’t you fucking * me ever again

**heterophobe**

jimmy has a point dude last summer butters got heatstroke

**butters**

its true I almost died!

**Jimmy**

f

**Scott**

f

**Kyle**

We are not doing this.

**Stan**

f

**Kyle**

F.

**Jimmy**

whipped

**Kyle**

Eat a dick.

**Jimmy**

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**heterophobe**

time is a flat circle

**DM between Scott Malkinson and Jimmy Valmer.**

**Scott Malkinson**

bro.

**Jimmy Valmer**

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

**Scott Malkinson**

for you to not act like a total embarrassment for two seconds

**Jimmy Valmer**

do I look like the type of person who knows how to be normal

**Scott Malkinson**

fine

**Scott Malkinson**

ill handle this

**Jimmy Valmer**

?

**are you seriously watching porn by yourself?**

**Scott**

@everyone jimmy likes kyle how do we help him not embarrass himself

**fastpass**

scott im gonna break into your house at 2:51 am and spit in each one of your apple juices and reseal the caps so you cant tell

**Nelly**

why would you tell us this how do you know were not snitches

**Scott**

well I personally know you will care so little youll forget all about it in about 15 minutes

**Nelly**

make it 14 and we have a deal

**Scott**

and everyone else likes jimmy

**Scott**

Kenny is half and half bc hes besties w kyle too but I haven’t seen him online all day so I don’t think hell even see this

**Nichole**

I think he died :(

**Scott**

perfect!

**Scott**

anyway: suggestions needed

**Token**

Ignore him until youre over it

**Nelly**

kick his ass

**Nichole**

fake date someone so kyle doesn’t catch on

**Tweek**

shove your feelings deep down inside yourself and ignore any semblance of human emotion until youre numb to anything other than the stress of knowing youre going to die alone

**Nelly**

dude

**Nichole**

dude

**Token**

Dude

**fastpass**

I think we should focus on tweek instead of me

**Token**

Yeah sorry Jimmy were gonna stick a pin in you for a minute

**Token**

Tweek you good???

**Tweek**

aha! no

**Scott**

do I have to kick someones ass

**Tweek**

I mean this in the nicest way possible but I don’t think you are capable of kicking anyones ass without risking a trip to the hospital

**Scott**

irrelevant

**Scott**

ive gotten hospitalised for less important things than my best friend being depressed remember when butters broke my femur

**fastpass**

I thought I was your best friend :(

**Scott**

I can have two best friends anyway unimportant what IS important is im about to break the 6 feet rule to beat some guys absolute shit in

**Scott**

hey tweek whos shit am I beating in

**Tweek**

you don’t have to beat anyones shit in jesus Christ

**Scott**

ok but im keeping my sherbet on standby

**fastpass**

how the fuck did you get that it could kill you

**Scott**

Christmas

**Nichole**

that’s like almost a whole year old ew?

**fastpass**

sounds kinda dope tbh id be down

**fastpass**

boutta snort it like crack

**Tweek**

you don’t snort crack jimmy you smoke it

**Token**

I think if you snort it you die

**Tweek**

yeah its like cut w baking soda so its not pure

**Token**

I thought it was baby powder

**Tweek**

I think you need a new dealer

**Nichole**

god I wish kenny were alive rn hed be able to explain so much to the rest of us losers

**fastpass**

maybe youre a loser, I rule

**Nichole**

do you do coke? That’s what I thought shut the fuck up

**fastpass**

make me whore

**Nichole**

square up

**Kenneth**

jimmy ive got an idea but idk how youll like it

**Kenneth**

also you don’t die from snorting crack its just not as good a high as smoking it

**Nichole**

what the fuck I thought you died

**Kenneth**

yeah im messaging you from hell right now

**Nichole**

ok Kenneth no one likes a sarcastic sally

**fastpass**

whats your idea Kenny

**Kenneth**

get all buddy buddy w rebecca and convince her to dump kyle

**Nichole**

why the fuck would he do that

**Token**

Yeah Kyles str8 anyway it’s not gonna help him

**Kenneth**

so he doesn’t have to see them be all gross and coupley and stuff obviously

**Kenneth**

whats good jimmy do you wanna be petty

**fastpass**

I have come to the conclusion that no one in this godforsaken chat is doing okay mentally

**Tweek**

**train wreck**

I HAVE AN IDEA.

**Token**

Beetlejuice

**fastpass**

Damien you seem like a mostly decent guy but I refuse to believe your idea is going to be at all okay on any level

**fastpass**

I am not going to fucking kill Rebecca okay im petty but im not a freak

**train wreck**

MY IDEA WAS NOT TO MURDER. WHY MUST YOU ALL EXPECT THE WORST OF ME.

**Kenneth**

damien.

**train wreck**

OKAY I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU EXPECT THE WORST OF ME SINCE I AM THE SON OF THE DARK PRINCE god rest his soul BUT I WAS REALLY NOT GOING TO SUGGEST MURDER THIS TIME.

**Nichole**

“this time”

**fastpass**

fine what was your idea mr satan jr

**train wreck**

INTRODUCE REBECCA TO THE GOTHS. IF THEY HIT IT OFF REBECCA WILL START HATING NORMIE POSERS AND BREAK UP WITH STAN.

**Kenneth**

rebecca is dating kyle

**train wreck**

ARE THEY NOT THE SAME PERSON?

**Token**

Kyles the nerd with the temper and stans the guy who looks like he listens to panic at the disco

**train wreck**

THEY BOTH HAVE AWFUL FASHION SENSE WHY MUST WE DIFFERENTIATE THEM.

**fastpass**

yeah make fun of kyle more maybe ill see what a joke he is

**fastpass**

@nelly you hate men can you help me with this please

**Nelly**

kyle makes me glad im a lesbian

**fastpass**

that didn’t help much

**Nelly**

idk what to tell you jimmy I don’t spend my every waking moment thinking about the worst qualities of every man I know

**Nichole**

youre missing out

**Nelly**

scotts the only man i think of the flaws for

**Scott**

fuck you???

**fastpass**

good talk everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess this is officially an au now, if they dont react exactly like this to the whole corona sitch im deleting


End file.
